Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
