I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
