Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
