OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
