Soap is not a condiment
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
