Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
