Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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