My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
