I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
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I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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