I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just pee around me
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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