...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i think i just lost a toe
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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