how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
