Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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