Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
