Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
