Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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