Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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