Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it was like eating out sand paper
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
