I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
