I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
