who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
