...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
