It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
