Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just high enough for therapy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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