I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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