Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
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