So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
