I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
