They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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