his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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