Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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