dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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