my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There r osticjed everywhere
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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