If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
