I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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