I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
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