I wish my penis had an off switch
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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