I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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