I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
