she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
