no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
