I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
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well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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