this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
