I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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