do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
