I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
