I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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