Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
