How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
