The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
