Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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