you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
