I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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