i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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