I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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