The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
