You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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