They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
