I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
