FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
